Mother’s Day, I do not want…

Dear Greg (husband),

When you asked me what I wanted on Mother’s Day, I wasn’t kidding, I do not want anything.

I do not want breakfast in bed. I am not a fan of crumbs and I certainly do not want to deal with washing and drying sheets. The thought of having to put that duvet cover back on the bed is upsetting enough.

I do not want flowers. I will forget to change the water and they will die in 24 hours. If you want to plant a garden of hydrangeas, go to town. You know I will smile.

I do not want chocolate or candy. It’s almost summer and I’m sure as hell am not wasting my calories on junk. Wine – whole new story. BRING IT ON!

I do not want brunch in a restaurant with 300 noisy kids screaming and crying. Spitting straws, throwing airplane napkins, fighting over who gets the ketchup, staining their “brunch” attire, and having the kids freak out because they can’t play on their phones does not make for an exciting meal. Especially because I will have downed two bloodies, it will wind up costing $300,  and you will secretly be pissed.

I do not want to sit with my parents or yours discussing the Bar Mitzvah, plans for the summer, Trump, how to get the kids to write them a letter at camp, and who is having Rosh Hashanna, Thanksgiving, and every other holiday this year.

I do not want to go to the kid’s soccer, lacrosse or baseball games. I have no idea why the town sports association thinks it is okay to have games on Mother’s Day. If you polled every single mother in town, I guarantee 90% of them are not happy about schlepping to a kid’s sporting event on Mother’s Day.

I do not want to have sex. It’s Mother’s Day after all, NOT Father’s Day.

Like my tradition every year, I want to sit in Central Park, eat a bagel & lox from Sable’s, throw on headphones and pass the fuck out. While you throw a ball to the kids, staring at the hot girl’s sun bathing in the meadow.

Finally, I want to snuggle on the couch with the kids at 7pm, order Chinese, watch Shark Tank (or 60 minutes if we can convince them) and not discuss any of the “things we have to do this week.” Let’s leave that for the Monday conversation.

XX

A