The Morning Saga of Rosh Hashanah

Shit show.

Absolute shit show yesterday morning.

I should have known, right?  It’s Rosh Hashanah. It was like this in my house growing up and it has not changed one iota. Same fighting, same stress, same silence in the car on the way to temple.

This year’s Rosh Hashana Sept. 24, 2014 – The Selling Home

7:00am: wakeup ( Services start at 10:00am).

7:30- 8am: workout.

At this point the kids need to eat but they are screaming that they want to play the new Madden 15 and it is cutting into their time before they have to leave.  Too bad we all know that there is no food at Temple. I will not listen to them whine and complain for 2 hours they are STARVINGGGGGG.  They are eating no matter if I have to shove the food down their throat or not.

I walk upstairs to pick out their clothes, thinking how hard can this be. 2 Boys. I casually grab 2, button-downs, 2 pairs of pants and I shower.

9:15am. Temple starts at 10:00am….and then it begins.

“MOM!!! “MOOOOMMMMMMMM !!!!!!

“Yes, Zach”, I am thinking wtf- why is he SCREAMING?

“MOM THESE PANTS ARE TOO SMALL, ARE THESE SKINNY JEANS? MOM, WHAT KIND OF PANTS ARE THESE?  I CAN’T BUTTON THEM.”

It is 9:17 am. I look at his pants which were clearly from last year and he has grown about 20 inches.

You see, I am not that mom that plans accordingly. I don’t go shopping 3 weeks before the holidays for fancy clothes for kids. I just don’t. I know many of you do and seriously, no sarcasm, kudos to you. IF I remember to grab a button down at Crewcuts, go me. Rarely happens. Shoes, I won’t even go into that department. I refuse to buy those ugly men shoes that kids wear. When I see kids wearing them I want to vomit.  No offense again. I just can’t deal. My kids can wear vans, Sanuks or something of the slip-on variety. If we lived in Cali, I think I would let them wear flip-flops if the temples allow it. Do they?

I walk into Zach’s room wrapped in a towel because there wasn’t even 2 minutes to spare to throw on a robe. He looks down at his pants and up at me with the look that says “MOM PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME WEAR THEM”. I look in Zach’s closet and see he has sweatpants, 1 pair of jeans, 1 pair of pants that have been hanging in his closet for two years because obviously  I have neglected my motherly duties to buy him anything new this season.

I look at Zach and try to button his pants that are way too tight while I am holding my towel praying it doesn’t fall on the floor. It keeps slipping a little and I can’t imagine where the hell Greg is at this moment. I am literally naked trying to button Zach’s jeans and Greg is off in wonderland with the dog somewhere.

and then I hear Parker….

“MOM, I HAVE NO SHOES!!!”

“Yes you do Parker, you have Sanuks.”

“MOM, they don’t fit!”

“I will be right there.”

I finally get Zach’s skinny jeans buttoned and I scramble into Parker’s room. It is 9:28. He’s right. His shoes don’t fit. So I have one kid with no pants and another kid with no shoes. I have to be at Temple in 10 minutes if there is any shot of me finding a parking spot. Did I mention it is pouring? Again, WHERE THE FUCK IS GREG?

“GREGGGGGGGGGGGG???????”

(greg) “WHAT AMY?”

(me)”WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?”

(greg)”WALKING THE DOG, AMY”

(me) “WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT AN HOUR AGO?”

(greg) “WELL MAYBE HE DIDN’T HAVE TO GO AN HOUR AGO!”

(me) “THANKS FOR ALL YOUR HELP HERE. THERE IS NO SHOT I WILL BE READY IN 5 minutes. I have to get dressed, fix my hair and still apply my makeup. I am helping the kids out practically in the NUDE! I WILL MEET YOU THERE.

(greg) “YOU WLIL NOT MEET ME ANYWHERE”.

And then I hear the shower. I HEAR THE FUCKING SHOWER. Can you believe it is now 9:35 and Greg is just getting in the shower now?!! No words. Would love to know what he did all morning.  At 9:40, he is dressed, I am about finished. I ask him to please grab the temple tickets that are in the drawer in the kitchen. He replies, “sure, no problem.”

9:45 – I walk downstairs to see Parker wearing his KD’S. “Ugh sneakers?”

(greg) – “Amy, don’t even start. He has nothing else to wear and they work.”

(me) – Um, no they don’t, but whatever. Too late. Where are the kids raincoats? They need raincoats.”

(Zach & Parker at the same time) – “NO MOM, NO RAINCOATS!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!”

(me-) “Seriously I can’t do this right now. IN THE CAR! GRAB AN UMBRELLA!!!”

(greg) – “Where are the umbrellas?”

(me) – “WHAT DO YOU MEAN? You have 400 golf umbrellas, where are they?”

(greg) –  “I don’t know, they are not here.”

(me)-” Well I didn’t move them. I never use them. We do not have time for this. Just grab one of my little ones and LET’S GO!”

We all walk outside in the pouring rain. I shut the car door, turn to Greg and say, “Do you have the tickets?”

He looks at me with the “oh shit look” and says, “No, I forgot. I will go get them.”

I give him the look of death and quietly utter the words,  I will.

I run back into the house (my hair now a frizzy  mess). The dog stands up in the crate because he thinks he got lucky and I came back to get him (no chance). I grab the tickets and we go.

Temple is 5 minutes from my house. The car line is a million miles long and people are out of control. The cops set up a special lane for us temple goers. The car in front of us makes a left turn into the temple and knocks down 5 of the cones the cops lined up. This causes a delay because the cops now have to reset up the cones before we can turn in.  We finally turn in and people are just stopping in random places to let everyone out of their car. It’s chaos.

I ask Greg to please just let me out with the kids so I can get the kids settled in the kids area and find us seats.

I walk into the lobby and bee line downstairs to the kids area. I hate making small talk in temple. I am laughing to myself, as I am heading to the stairs, watching the tween girls walking around in 10 inch heels they can barely stand in, decked, with cellphones in hand. I am not ready for that stage.

The temple is divided into two parts. The downstairs sanctuary and the balcony. We are balcony people. I like to look down and see everyone and take it all in.  I am a voyeur. I love to see where people decide to sit, what people are wearing, who suckered their kids into letting them sit with them instead of putting them in the kids service, and most of all I love to see the people who come in late. Like this one girl I know from town. Her family walked in AFTER the reading of the Haftorah. Cleary to hear the sermon.

I will mention one thing about Rosh Hashanah this year. I have been going to temple for over 30 years and never before yesterday have I seen a rabbi recieve a standing ovation after a sermon. EVER.It was chilling, beautiful and powerful. It erased all of the drama I been through only 1 hour earlier. It made me realize why I come and why it’s worth it. Don’t judge. I too would have thought it is odd to clap in temple but had you been there and experienced the rabbi’s words, you may have had the urge to clap yourself.

If you want to listen to it, you have to skip to 1:43 on the below video:

http://new.livestream.com/tbjvideostream/rosh-hashanah-morning-service-2014

Leaving there with a smile and the morning a distant memory we walked outside to get our car.

O.M.G. People were blocked in everywhere and I am telling you it felt like the world was coming to an end. Not even 5 minutes ago we were kissing and wishing everyone a Happy New Year but now people were annoyed, hungry and blocked in, in the pouring rain.

Luckily Greg parked the car in an unblocked spot so we tore out of there.

I can’t wait to do this all over again in 10 days, starving! This time, though,  I will make sure my kids have pants and shoes!

L’ Shanah Tovah.

xx

p.s. Am I the only one that goes through this every year?