Murder at 30,000 Feet

My husband sits in the quiet car on the train. Not because he can’t stand people but because he doesn’t want to talk to anyone at 7am. Who does? Not at 7am anyway.

There are people who sit in the quiet train, mind their own business, read their papers, magazines and iPads and then there are people, who I think, sit there just to be enforcers of the “rule” who in turn are really assholes. The minute a text message makes a noise, a cellphone rings or someone talks, you hear the enforcer 10 rows back screaming “shhh.” Everyone knows who the enforcer is because you ride the same train every morning and his/her miserable face is waiting for you to make a sound.

There has recently been talks about cellphone usage on planes. Why allow cellphones? The F.C.C. (Federal Communications Commission) is trying to give people the chance to connect to data on a cellphone rather than pay for costly — and often very slow Wi-Fi available on airplanes. Cellphone usage on planes is not a new thing. The US is just one of the last countries to follow suit. The European Union allowed the usage of cellphones on planes in 2008! However, the European Union allowed the airlines to decide which features of  the cell to make active during flights. For example, according to the recent New York Times Article, “Virgin Atlantic allows unlimited data connections, but it lets only six people talk on a cellphone at once. Emirates allows an unlimited amount of people to talk on their cell phones but not very many passengers do.” IF and WHEN the F.C.C allows cellphone usage on planes, it will be up to the F.A.A (Federal Aviation Administration) and/or the airlines to decide if they want to institute phones on planes or not. Airlines will have to make the call what kind of data they will permit: voice services, data services, neither or both.

Now that is all well and good UNTIL I am sitting on the plane next to the following people:

Debbie Downer who is complaining to her friend about how she wasn’t invited to Sue’s party, her engagement ring is too small, her car isn’t as nice as Steph’s, and her Keratin treatment didn’t last as long as Jill’s.

The Hypochondriac who is on the phone with the doctor convincing him he has a terminal illness because he is dizzy, his head hurts, his mouth is dry and he can’t feel his feet.

 

The 20-year-old who just broke up with her boyfriend and she is she is crying to him the whole g-d damn flight about how she can’t live without him, she needs him, he is her everything and on and on! (VOMIT!)

The Grandma who is on her way to see her grandchildren and she is facetiming with the grandkids in baby voice saying …”Grandma can see you, I brought you tons of toys, I can’t believe how big you both are.” (earphones please!)

 

Betty Crocker who is on the phone with a friend explaining how to make a perfect pot roast. She reads along and repeats “4 cloves of garlic, 1/2 cup of red wine, etc.” Her friend calls her back after a 20 minute detailed lesson asking how long do the onions have to sit on the bottom?” Another 15 minutes later, her friend calls again asking if there is a specific italian seasoning to use. This repeats the entire flight.

The Non-English Speaker who does not speak a lick of English and talks in some crazy Urdu, Sanskrit, I don’t know what language the whole flight a million miles per minute.

 

The Spitter whose mouth oozes water every time they talk. You end up practically having a shower before you land.

I am sure you can think of a million people you would not want to sit next to on an airplane.  I have never committed murder nor do I ever want to but I am telling you right now. If I EVER have to sit next to ANY of the above people while I am 30,000 feet above ground, something may take over me and something bad may happen. I can’t be alone in this line of thinking! There is no quiet car that I can pay extra to avoid Debbie, Betty, etc. Although I would want NOTHING MORE than to tweet about the crazy people I was sitting next to on the plane, I would give it up in a heartbeat to have a pleasant, quiet, non-suicidal flight. Then again if Mr. Wall Street is sitting next to me talking on the down low about some insider stock tips that I was unaware of before my flight and he just increased my net worth, I may be a little less anti but what are the chances of that happening?

Though my husband generally keeps quiet in the “quiet car” he does on occasion have a quiet conversation.  When the enforcer engages he is quick to remind them it’s a quiet car and not the silent car.  Unfortunately, when we choose public transportation, we have to expect some noise but maybe the enforcers should drive or take a car service.  If the thought of someone chatting on their cellphone next to you on the plane doesn’t sit well then you are likely SOL (as I am) if this bill passes.  My guess is most of us don’t have the luxury (myself included) of flying private.

You on board with cellphones on planes or anti?