The iPhone Situation
I bought my first cell phone the year after I graduated college, ’98. It was a Motorola flip phone. Remember these:
I loved that phone until the Blackberry came out but it became the thing I never left home without. Cell phones have come a long way since ’98. I have probably owned over 12 different phones in the past 15 years but once I owned the iPhone I became an Apple convert for life.
Everything was going fine and dandy with the cell phones in the Selling house UNTIL people started talking about how the iPhone 5C is the present of choice for the 4th graders this Hanukkah/Christmas…um, excuse me, what?
4th Grade????? Yeah, I got this call from a friend who said “Amy, I just want to give you a heads up, Matt (name changed), is getting an iPhone 5C for Hanukkah and so are a bunch of their friends. I wanted to tell you before Zach came home complaining that all his friends got on.”
I will be honest with you, as I always am and tell you, we told Zach for his 10th Birthday (in the summer) he could get a phone but he could not have it UNTIL after he returns home from sleep away camp. 5th grade is where we draw the line in our home (even that seems crazy to me but that was the deal). Zach does not know that many of his friends will be getting this extravagant present for the holidays YET, therefore I have a few weeks before the nagging begins (many of his friends celebrate Hanukkah). I asked the parents why this was the present of choice for the 4th graders. What is their reasoning?
Their answer is “Well, if I drop my child at a game they can call me in case they need to be picked up.” I can’t wait for Zach to point this out as a reason for him to have a phone. You know what my answer is going to be, use your friend’s phone.
I know the feeling of not having what your friends have…. isn’t that life. Somebody is always going to have something better, nicer, more expensive than you. I am not prepared to buy Zach a $100 iPhone this Hanukkah JUST BECAUSE his friends are getting it. But I am prepared to explain to him WHY he can’t have one yet.
1) He’s 9 and he is in 4th grade. The deal was 10th birthday – no negotiating. PERIOD!
BUT HE WILL NEGOTIATE because he does not let up until he wins an argument (yes I have a lawyer in the making but steering him away, lol)
So these will be my back up points
2) He loses everything. I bought him 3 sweatshirts so far this year. They are all somewhere in school or in another kids closet.
3) Just because your friends get something doesn’t mean you have too (you know this talk).
4) Money doesn’t grow on trees (you know this talk as well).
5) He has an iPad that does everything a phone can do EXCEPT make phone calls. He does not need to call any of his friends,why? He has FACETIME that he can use at “allowable” hours.
I could go into the whole story about how when I was a kid and there were no phones, kids played outside, they got to where they needed to go. I never had any issues with getting in touch with my parents if I needed to. But I hated when my parents told me their sob stories so I won’t lay it on him, even though I am a firm believer in kids should be kids. They don’t need social media, facetime, or any of that crap. They just need a few friends, a backyard and a ball. Unfortunately, times have changed which I cannot control BUT I can control WHEN Zach can have a phone. I can control what is permissible in my house and I can control how I want to raise him. Zach is going to be pissed when he finally gets his cell phone next year and there is no data plan for web, etc. The phone will be ONLY for calls and text. But Greg and I get to make those rules because we are the parents, we make the decisions and we get to decide when Zach is ready for a phone and when he is not.
The more I think about this, the more absurd I think this entire rant is. I would love to give Zach my Motorola phone from ’98 and tell him to suck it up. There are kids who have nothing and I am writing about the iPhone 5. Seems sad and small-minded I know, but this is the 4th grade drama that many of us are witnessing. Whether it is right or wrong to buy your child a cell phone in 4th grade, 5th grade, whenever, it is your decision as a parent to make. I have heard the pro’s and con’s six ways to Sunday about why it is okay for a 9-year-old to have a cell phone but that is for Greg and I to decide and we have decided not just yet.
Are you dealing with this?
Our rule is 6th grade, because that seems to be the age that it’s really socially difficult not to be able to text your friends and have Instagram, but my cousin and another friend just got their 5th graders the 5C. One kid had a handmedown IPhone 3 and so they upgraded, one it was their first phone. I am looking into getting my 7th grader the 5C (I think the C should stand for ‘child’ ;)) since I read that WalMart and Radio Shack will be selling them for under $50 (don’t pay more than that!)
My 5th grader is asking for an IPod Touch, so he can text, Instagram and buy apps, and I am considering doing that and just avoiding a phone altogether, since they never actually talk. Any thought on that?
While I’m not quite at that age yet with my kids, I’ve often wondered if it is over-indulgent. Then I think back and remember that the summer after 5th grade, I came home from camp to my own phone line. I’m sure parents at that time were thinking “what does an 11 year old need her own phone line for?” Times are different now. Kids are involved with A LOT more activities and the world isn’t as safe as it seemed 30 years ago(there are certainly a lot less pay phones!). I think that as long as there is a very clear list of rules and expectations there is nothing wrong with kids having a cell phone. Does it have to be the most up to date iPhone….no. But these kids are going to have to learn, eventually, that no matter how old you are, there are always going to be people who have bigger/better/nicer things than you and there will always be people who will look at what you have and wish they could have something that nice.
Ok. I’m commenting as a survivor. (Kids are 19 and 16 and I’m about 10 years older than you). First off: maintain a soft line. Always maintain a soft line so you can change your mind! You may find that YOU want him to have a phone. (Just wait until the first time you really don’t know where he is. And before you shake your head, know that it WILL happen. And sooner than you think it will). My kids got theirs around fourth grade, when they started playing travel sports and timing changes made us insane. As for the data issue…parent through it. Avoidance is not parenting. They have to learn how to manage it properly, and that is your (our) job as parents. Do you forbid your kids from eating candy or fast foods or do you teach them how to manage treats? It’s the same issue. Trust me. You have bigger fights to fight. Stay flexible. Just a word from an old chick in tenafly…
@pamb- I love the 5C should be for child, so true! Also if your 5th grader is not asking, I wouldn’t be running out the door to buy it. At Zach’s school, most of the 5th grade has a phone. It is crazy.
@lori – thanks for responding! I don’t know what the right age is to be perfectly honest.
@Tamara – I love your response. The truth is there is no hard and fast rule but I did tell Zach 10 year birthday present so I like to stick to my guns. Plus I don’t think 10 is so old to own a phone. He is plays travel soccer, basketball, etc and his schedule is crazy but there always seems to be a parent that knows where he is :). As for the data plan, he has one on his ipad. I MAY change my mind on that one as one never knows what my thoughts will be in a year but for now this is where my head is. I am not avoiding it, I just don’t think he needs it on 2 devices. Thanks for your words of wisdom, as always appreciated!! xx
My son is in 6th grade and we have been dealing with the same thing. All the mom’s use the “sports” excuse but they ALL pick their kids up from the practices/games that they are in…NO NEED FOR A PHONE!!!!
I usually say, to each his own, but that is rather obscene. We live in an very affluent town and I it’s say, very few kids even have cell phones here in 5th grade. The year most kids get them is when they enter middle school as by the , they might need them as they have different bus options and after school work sessions to call home about on a regular basis.
Do not get me wrong, our kids are spoiled and all,have iPads, iTouch, mini’s etc….. But the few kids that do have cells are usually from divorced homes and need them to get in contact with parents in different homes or kids who are on travel sports teams for away games. Other than that no one has ’em.
It’s funny there was a detective that came to speak to parents from the livingston police dept last year at our elementary schools, the one thing he stressed NO SMART PHONES UNTIL AFTER 6th grade. He says that this is when all the children get in trouble, like serious trouble, I.e. Posing pictures, statements. These things can never be taken back, they are forever embedded in the Internet space. He said that children in 5th or 6th grade do not have the intelligence capacity to understand the long term effects. Now that colleges can look at everything u are and who u are associated with and everything u have ever posted ANYWHERE, his point was if u need to get a phone get them one without Internet access until after 6th grade. I totally get that our world is moving too fast, but his talk scared the crap out of me!
My son got his just like your “plan” – starting 5th grade when he got home from camp.
He hardly uses it. It’s off at school. He’ll text me from the bus on the way home to let me know he’s on his way with his little bro safely.
We just moved into a new house and opted for no landline. We also felt for that reason he should have a phone for the times he’s home alone if we run out for a bit. He’s fine home alone.
We limit his data and if he uses it up in a month on day 1 watching a video in the car. So be it!
You know your child and when you knoe he’s ready and he knows why he has it then it will be the right time.
Rule for us was going into 6 grade and my oldest did not get an iPhone. She got one in 8th grade when her phone died and it was free. My 5 grader just got one and most of her friends have had since 3 or 4 grade!! I wanted to wait but she “needed one ” more than the rest of us! Outdoor drop off practice, etc. got my old iPhone when I upgraded to a 5c. Won’t spend money on a phone! Neither have had Ipad itouch and we live in an affluent area. I can’t worry about other kids. Just my own
As a Verizon employee, I can tell you that kids are getting phones at a younger and younger age every year. Mainly their parents or siblings hand me downs which tend to be Iphones. You can’t go by me, because as an employee there was always a phone I could give my son (MeGo) and as a working Mom who commutes 45 miles each way, it was important for me to be able to get in touch with my kid so I wouldn’t use me as a model. However Middle School seems to be when most families are comfortable with getting their kids a phone. Makes sense, they are doing more, going out on their own, etc. I strongly recommend the insurance on the kids phones since they break, get lost and find themselves in very strange situations (Gum???). But I see the research and know first hand that there are kids in 3rd, 4th and 5th grades with phones.
An additional thought…Once they get their phones, they get APPS, they get Instagram, and life becomes more and more complicated for them and for you as a parent. My son is 12 and went through a very serious situation this past weekend with his friends and Instagram and decided to deactivate his account. I can’t stress enough how important it is for you to read your kids texts, have their passwords and the cloud so you can see what’ going on. Can’t say it’s all good, but it’s the world our kids are living in and they are moving into this world at a younger age all the time.
Amy, I completely agree with you! We bought our son a basic phone (calls & text only) after he returned home from camp going into 5th grade. He was all about texting for about one week. Since then the phone sits on his desk untouched. He also left his phone at Hoop Heaven & didn’t realize it was missing for a complete week. I will also mention I received a random call from a window washer who said he found his phone on Northfield Ave. This one stumped me but after much thought & retracing every step, I realized he must have left it at Michele’s Dabce Studio when we dropped our daughter off. Clearly if it were an iPhone we wouldn’t have seen it again in either case. Every child is different, but you know your own child & what responsibilities he can manage. You & your husband have strong values & that is to be admired & respected. I also don’t follow along with the crowd & make decisions based on my gut & a little more “old school”. Keep writing! It’s nice to know there are “real” people out there!
Our house rule is a texting phone in 5th grade. Our daughter didn’t get an iPhone until she graduated 8th grade last year. Yes, I see how this can seem extreme but our reasoning is simple. Our kids are already very electronically “connected” with Ipads laptops etc. We want our kids to enjoy life outside our home by making personal connections and not being constantly distracted by games, apps and social networking notifications.
Having said that, I have been nagged relentlessly by my 6th grader and I hope we can hold out until 8th grade but it is becoming more difficult as most of his friends (if not all at this point) have smart phones. Wish me luck:)