Last week I was at a summer kickoff party and the topic of the camp mom group text came up. Through six years of sleepaway camp, I have been lucky enough to avoid this. Maybe it’s a girl mom thing, who knows. But it does seem to have gotten out of hand. The group text sucks as it is. However, the CAMP bunk group text is a whole other level.
I am not sure who starts the bunk text. Maybe it’s the mom who has an older camper at the camp. Maybe it’s the “alpha” mom. Maybe it’s just the mom who somehow managed to get a hold of everyone’s cell. Whatever mom it is, you are now invited to be part of “How The Fuck Do I Get Out of This Camp Bunk Group Text”
And so, it begins….
The Creator: Welcome Girls!!! I figured it would be easier to start this group chat so we can communicate on here versus email. Seems so much better. Everyone say their name and where you are from.
All the other moms’ – FUCK, NO.
Fifteen notification sounds and you definitely think someone got killed. The problem is there is no way out. You can’t just leave this group. Your kid is IN THE BUNK.
PACKING FOR CAMP
Deep Breath. Your initial thought must be “Are we going to discuss EVERY FUCKING THING on the camp list? Is this really happening? Breaking news: It is REALLY happening.
8am: THE NEXT DAY
Side Text (2 moms)
Not only is there a GROUP TEXT but now there is a side text. As if the Group Text isn’t enough.
It’s a week before camp and the texting hasn’t stopped. “Did you see the cute Target Bathing Suits? Which Target? How much? Can I buy them online?”
I don’t know, FUCKING google it.
You are now scared shitless for camp to begin because if these are the PRE-camp texts, what will the texting be like when your kid actually arrives at camp?
Brace yourself. It’s about to get WORSE.
“Girls, pics are up! Look Jill, here is your daughter!”
Now if you are Jill, are you thankful you didn’t have to hit refresh 30 times for the picture OR do you feel like the bad mom who didn’t see the pic of her daughter before Stacey saw it? Who knows. But I guarantee the ten other mom’s do not give a shit about seeing the picture of Jill’s daughter. SIDE TEXT IT!
“Morning girls! I just got a letter from Madison asking for more sunscreen. Did ANY of your daughters ask you as well? If not, do you think the counselors are using Madison’s sunscreen for the whole bunk? Should I call?” This is a text that requires every one of you to answer. I could not think of a better way to start my morning than 50 texts about sunscreen. Who the hell wants to start taking Xanax in the morning? It’s SUMMER.
If 50 texts about sunscreen was not enough, you will now wish you lived in a place where Wifi and LTE did not exist. What are you bringing for Visiting Day could be the world’s worst text topic EVER. It’s not 40 texts, its 40 hours of “Are you bringing candy? What kind? What flavor? What size? How many? Bunk Gifts? I know we can’t bring them BUT should we?? How about those custom camp slippers? They are uber cute. The girls will love them. What size? How long will it take to get them? Venmo me! Do you bring their phone up for Visiting Day? How long do you give them? Do you think it takes away from the day?”
OH MY FUCKING GD. PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!
And then there is the inevitable “meet in the city for dinner” text so we can rehash four weeks of texting. Let’s be honest, who really wants to trek in for $200 sushi and $80 parking to discuss if your kid is wearing deodorant with 15 moms that you barely know? No Thank You.
Out of nowhere, the unthinkable happens. Missy leaves the group chat. Your phone blows up. Literally. You wish you were NOT on the unlimited phone plan. “WTF happened to Missy? Did she move Maisey into another bunk? Is Maisey leaving camp? Did Maisey have any issues with your daughters? I did hear she snores but I can’t imagine anyone calling her out on it.” Fifty theories and six hours later, you finally find out Maisey was homesick. Moral of the story: if you have the balls to leave the group chat, explain why before you check out.
If you think when camp ends, you have a ten-month reprieve, you are sorely mistaken. “Good luck with back to school! Anyone cooking for the high holidays? Recipes? Camp Bunk Sleepover! Happy Mother’s Day! Happy Father’s Day! Anyone have any gift ideas for Father’s Day? Um no, I am divorced and still waiting for the alimony check.”
Amy Selling has left the conversation