When the PokémonGo memes were posted all over Instagram last month, I had zero clue what they meant.
Pokémon was something I heard about ten years ago but my kids had zero interest so I wasn’t tuned in. Until now. See the kids were in camp all summer so when PokémonGo launched, I was very far removed. And then last week I was driving to the store with the kids in the back seat. Out of nowhere I hear,
“Mom, can you turn left , wait no turn right.”
“HUH, Why?” I asked.
“There’s a Pokémon over there.”
“Over where?” I asked
“Mom, HURRY JUST TURN RIGHT”
“But this is not how to get to Dicks”
Both kids shout, “MOM – TURN RIGHT”
I turn right and Parker screams “I GOT HIM!”
I don’t see anything and I’m not asking because I don’t feel like getting in a war about chasing a virtual animal.
The following day I’m in my office (in my house) and my son texts me that he and his brother are going for a 10 minute walk around the block. I put my phone down and walk into the family room. I look at both of them, who are both on their devices, and ask “Let me get this straight, we have lived in this house for over eight years, I ask you all the time to take a nice walk around the block but its always “I don’t feel like it.” You texted me from two rooms over because you didn’t want to get off the couch but all of a sudden out of the clear blue sky you want to take a walk around the block?”
“Yeah mom, we want to go to the gym.”
“WHAT GYM? Since when do you workout and where is there a gym in walking distance?”
“MOM – THE POKEMON GYM!”
What the f*&k is the Pokémon gym? (I didn’t say that although it almost came out of my mouth). What I actually said was, “What gym???”
“Well, Zach said, this gym is owned by team Valor team and we are both on Instinct so we need to go over there and …..
“Zach, I don’t understand a word you are saying but I am gathering that the only way to get you and your brother out of the house is to open a Pokémon Gym.”
Zach rolls his eyes and says “Mom, we will be back in 10.”
I pick up the phone and call one of my closest friends in the city to see if this is going on in her neck of the woods. I begin to tell her and she says “WAIT, you are going to die. This is my life. Lyle, her twelve year-old, told me he wanted to go to Central Park the other evening to see the sunset. I thought something was wrong with him. The kid never wants to leave the apartment but out of nowhere he begged me to go to Central Park. I wasn’t saying no, so we went. We walked into the park and Lyle directed me to a swarm of people and I mean a SWARM! Amy, I am not kidding when I tell you that there were 42 year-old men in business suits standing there with their phones. Like hot guys.
Lyle was asking random people “Team Mystic?” It’s everywhere! Looks like it’s not only the Jews who are running!
I hung up the phone and waited for the kids to get back. Four hours later, I told Zach to get ready for soccer practice. I picked up three of his friends and on the way one of his friends asked if we could stop at Nero’s because he heard there was a Pikachu, yes this:
Is this going to be my life this year?????? I refuse to get a call from one of my neighbors that my kids are trespassing on their lawn looking for Pokémon creatures (yes, people are getting shot, I am guessing not in Livingston). I would be mortified to find out my kid fell in a lake trying to catch Dragonite. The fact that people are quitting their day jobs to chase imaginary creatures all over the world is beyond me. How about the Pokémon players who are too lazy to walk? Does it surprise you that entrepreneurs have figured out the answer? They will be your personal Pokémon Go driver. That’s right, for just $20-$25 per hour a driver will now chauffeur you around to play in cities like New York, Portland, and Baltimore. SERIOUSLY!!!! WTF is wrong with these people. Is it me or is this out of control?
Are your kids doing playing this? Are girls playing this game? Are your kids asking you to drive all over the place or I am the only psycho parent who is participating in this ridiculous Pokemon phenomenon? Please tell me its not just me!
As I write this, my kids are riding their bikes around the block looking for Eggescutor. Don’t ask, I don’t know. I think I am most annoyed that I didn’t buy Nintendo stock in June.