Another first in the Affair’s history: An episode broken down by time, not point of view. A storm was a coming and boy did it come! This was an episode I wanted to get on periscope after and discuss but truth be told I couldn’t keep my eyes open so maybe we can discuss tonight if you want (lmk)….Let’s break it down
12:00pm -HURRICANE ALICE
The show opens with Alison who is super pregnant and cleaning out the fridge. It’s March and Hurricane Alice is about to roll in. I didn’t realize there were hurricane’s in March. Starting to have theory about this show – is it possible we are watching Descent? Are we actually watching the book that Noah wrote?
Whitney set Helen up on a Tinder date (love it) who doesn’t show. Are you surprised? The waitress isn’t and explains to Helen that she really should be opting for Match.com since Tinder is more of a “hook up site” for millennials (the winner of the millennial post is at the bottom of this recap by the way). Look who’s at the bar….Dr. OOH-LA-LA aka Dr. Ulla. I was so stoked to see him. The waitress was right – HE IS HOT! I mean what are the chances that you would be waiting for a Tinder date and the hot doctor who operated on your kid just happens to be in the same place at the same time . Unless HELEN was his Tinder date and he was scoping her out, realized that he knew her and opted not to join her. Instead he played Mr. Cool like he was killing time while on call at the hospital. HMMMM
After 5 minutes of talking, they are on Helen’s basement floor fucking. (Helen did check with the kids first to see if all was good and if Whitney left yet – yes she went out with Chrissy — as in the girl from the college tour last week yet this is 4 months later). After their quickie, Helen nonchalantly brings Dr. OOHLALA upstairs for a glass of water as if it’s totally normal he is in their kitchen.
Martin pops into the kitchen and Helen and the Doc look like a deer caught in headlights. Don’t you think they could have had a little chat after their session about WHAT TO SAY to the kids when he appeared? Martin is definitely like WTF is my surgeon doing in our kitchen. Helen musters up something about him being in the neighborhood. Um, Helen this is not Mr. Rogers and Martin knows exactly why the doctor is in the house and it’s not for a Crohn’s house call. Dr. Ulla does take the time to show Martin a better way to take Humira.
Helen crying upstairs in her bedroom with Ulla standing there threw me over the edge. They literally met 5 minutes ago, they fucked, he became Martin’s best friend and now she is having a mental breakdown about raising four kids by herself. I am so surprised he didn’t run for the hills. By the way, can we discuss that HE IS STILL THERE? This was becoming more awkward by the minute. I am so happy he didn’t stay after she invited him to wait out the storm. I’m not so sure I loved his answer of “I would rather drown.” (I’m hoping there wasn’t any kind of meaning behind that…like in relation to Alison but if it did mean something deeper than that, it was totally over my head).
Alison is fully in labor and Noah is nowhere to be found. Shocker. Alison seems surprised because she is 5 weeks early. She shouldn’t be surprised! The baby was conceived during Noah & Alison’s 6 week separation. Alison is right on time.
7:00pm -HURRICANE PARTY
Enter Noah – I still am cringing over this scene. He arrives with Eden (of course) at a smancy party in the Hamptons to meet with a producer to discuss turning his book into a movie. As luck what have it, George Clooney just may be interested in playing the main character. Noah’s phone is ringing off the hook but he can’t seem to find it in the car. Eden is all forget the phone, let’s go inside. Noah agrees. Um, no way. You are telling me, Noah is not going to bother to find his phone while his wife, who is 8 months pregnant, is at home during a HURRICANE. Please.
Although people party in the off-season in the Hamptons, I would love to know where this party exists and who is swimming in a pool in MARCH. This party was a little too cliche for me. Eden (looking very 50 Shades of Grey) introduces Noah to the producer – Rodney Callahan (aka James Naughton – Gossip Girl, Devil Wears Prada, etc). Rodney is the best thing that happens to Noah that night- handing over a plate of coke, mentioning Jennifer Lawrence may want to play Lana (Alison) and comparing him to Norman Mailer’s son (I laughed at that). Noah is on cloud nine until Max walks over. I mean why wouldn’t Max be at this party as well? I bet he met with Scotty prior to this party to discuss opening a nightclub. Max is very much an asshole, offends Rodney and even suggests Sasha Grey play Lana in the movie…yup, her (aka as pretty famous porn star for those who are familiar with that world).
Noah definitely wants to punch him. But gets him to go away and hang out with the rest of the models at the party. Noah and Eden start downing shots and are a HOT MESS. I am unclear if Noah is as famous as he is, why not one person took ANY pictures of these two love birds going at it on the dance floor. Somebody would have, right?
An announcement is made that the roads have been closed and everyone has to stay put. Eden gives Noah the “I needs 15 minutes” and to come find me upstairs spiel. Not sure what she needs 15 minutes for but I guess the not mix work with pleasure rule is not in effect anymore. Noah decides to kill some time by vaping and taking a swim in the pool with some random naked people. I thought there was a Hurricane?? I guess it was an indoor pool?
Noah spies two young, naked two girls making out in the hot tub and thinks while he is living the American Dream, everybody loves me, these girls will be psyched to have him take part. He swaggers on in the hot tub, ready to have a threesome until WHITNEY turns around. OMG. What is Whitney doing at this party? Looks as though she is following the course of becoming a model. Noah would have fully dove in head first had this NOT been his daughter. Talk about screwing up your kid. Shit just got crazy!
Noah fully panics (I don’t blame him), runs to his car, finds his phone with 100 text message from Alison and tries to drive off in a hurricane which is obviously not the smartest idea. Every road is closed and there is simply nowhere for him to go. Noah has officially hit the eye of the storm or really has hit rock bottom.
Alison is in labor and has been for hours. I seriously HATE Noah at this point. The doctor who is helping her is super nice (as her normal doc couldn’t make it because of the roads). It has to be a terrible feeling to go almost 9 months of your pregnancy thinking the doctor you love is going to deliver your baby and it ends up being someone else. At least this new doc had incredible bed side manner and was a superstar from beginning to end. Alison needed that!
11:00pm – COLE
May as well round out the show with Luisa and Cole. They are packing up the house that has recently been sold and Cole is bitter Alison couldn’t help – well I guess not, Alison being pregnant and all. Luisa brings up their future as in the future being the next day since Cole needs to move out mañana. Cole has zero plans of moving to NYC to be closer to Luisa . Cole also rambles on about how he is not going to take money from the house. Seriously Cole? Luisa lets Cole in on the fact that she will never be able to have kids and Cole loses his shit about how his mother is right, the Lockhart’s are cursed and there will never be a Lockhart child. I don’t know about that Cole…seems like one is just about to be born!
Luisa can’t deal with Cole and his selfishness towards the fact that she can’t have kids so she leaves. I was kind of put off by the fact that he let her leave during a hurricane but I guess would leave as well after what he said.
Alison is screaming about not wanting to the child. If you haven’t had kids yet, you may not want to watch this scene. They make it out to be like childbirth is the WORST thing ever. It was so painful to watch. It makes you hate Noah even more and more. We flash to Cole who is downing Granpa’s moonshine and getting drunker by the minute. As he barely can stand, Cole sees a vision of Gabriel. It becomes clear to all of us how much pain and suffering Cole is going through. The guilt of his son drowning while under his care is way too much for Cole to carry. Therefore, he sets the house on fire to rid himself of his previous life and begin anew.
GOOD MORNING JOANIE
It’s bright and sunny. Alison is holding her new precious daughter, Joanie (named after her grandmother). It is in this final scene, I have hope for Alison. The doctor tells Alison, Noah has arrived and she asks Alison if she is ready to see him. Alison’s answer “No, not yet” gives us insight into the fact that it’s all about Alison & Joanie now, Noah is just a side dish. We do know that they stay married at least through Scotty’s trial but whether this is for show or not, we will soon find out!
Until next week!!!
WINNER OF THE MILLENNIAL QUIZ is LISA MECHANICK! We will be in touch with your prize!! Congrats!!