Wow, just when I thought I was having a bad day….seems Helen & Noah had a day from hell.
PART ONE: HELEN
Episode opens up with Helen & Noah in court. Funny, the first thing I noticed in this scene was Helen’s grey’s and her chipping blue nail polish. Gottlief is laying it on thick about Noah cheating, living in with his “paramour” and engaged to his “paramour.” He mentioned this word “paramour” 14 times (Helen counted). Way to go Whitney, are you shocked she threw dad under the bus? (not that Noah should have asked his daughter to lie but…) Unfortunately for Helen, she got the “Bolveshik” judge and he changes his tune when he hears Helen is living in a $3M brownstone in Park Slope with the 4 kiddies. And yes, its walking distance to their private school.
Well Margaret is in a chipper mood. New hairdo, new color, she is wearing PINK? (interesting choice of color) But it seems to fit her peppy mood. She is off to Bryn Mawr for her 50th reunion and she is conveniently paying Whitney to be her date. Margaret divulges to Helen that her father is off with his former student (aka paramour, slut face). Helen and Margaret now have something in common and share a glass at 1pm.
Max makes an impromptu visit with a huge bouquet of Stargazers ( Stargazers are floral celebrities – bold, beautiful and dramatic, in case you were wondering) and a question “Would you like to open your present and fuck or fuck and then open your present?” Was that even a question, sex or a present first? Turns out, its two tickets to Buenos Aires and Max mentions that he gave Noah $50K so he can afford an apartment and the kids might just be able to stay there during their week trip. Helen bugs, calls it quits (I wasn’t expecting this to happen so early) and Max storms out. Good for Helen, at least she is strong enough to stand on her own two feet. She doesn’t need Max to fill a void. (poor Max though, still not over his college crush).
I CHANGED THE LOCKS ON MY FRONT DOOR
This is by far my favorite part of the entire episode or maybe the series thus far. Helen chugging wine, singing in her underwear, belting out “Changed the Locks” by Lucinda Williams:
pulling out grey hairs and eating the Pot Lozenge that Max gave her in the opening epsiode. We have to assume it’s about 2ish at this point when she walks into her store. (remember it takes an hour for an edible to actually set in) I was on the edge of my bed waiting for the shit to hit the fan as Helen was unfolding before my eyes. I’m not sure if you noticed the girl who works in Helen’s store secretly trying to put the deck of cards she was playing, away. The store hasn’t turned a profit in over 2 years. Um, thinks its time to re-think the merchandise… Helen chases out their only customer and decides to get those grey hairs fixed.
The paranoia has set in and Helen is officially off the rails. Her poor hairdresser doesn’t know what to do with her. Especially when Helen announces,”I queefed.” I mean was that really necessary? She goes into a whole tirade about divorce and about how her friends seem to be evaporating. If her friends do want to chat, its to ask 800 questions about divorce because it seems they are paranoid divorce is “contagious”. Helen’s fear of her turning into her mother is clearly exemplified when Helen sees Margaret staring back at her in the mirror. Helen receives a call from Stacey who is wondering why she is not picking her and Trevor up. All along Helen thought this was her “FREE DAY” drinking, getting her hair done, but it’s Wednesday and she is on mom duty. Helen kisses her hairdresser on the lips and scrambles out of there with the foils still in her head.I am going to think its safe to assume that is the last time Helen will be having her hair done at that salon.
This part made me nuts.
- Can’t Helen call a friend? She is no shape to go anywhere
- Who would ever leave a salon with foils in their hair? I get that its like a dire situation but she is DYING her hair!
- Hello Uber??
URBAN DAY CAMP
Helen shows up like a bat out of hell, still with those gd damn foils in her hair. The inevitable happens. Helen backs into another car with Stacy unbuckled. She “bumps” her head (in Helen’s POV) and the cops arrive. As Helen is scrambling through her bag to find her license, the cop notices her “vapor” pen. Trevor becomes Chuckie in this scene as he fights with Helen to show the cops what is in her bag (really Trevor?)
Noah shows up to save the day and rescue the kids from the loony now arrested Helen. All she can muster up is “Why are you doing this to us?” Noah doesn’t answer.
Helen winds up in a jail cell with prostitutes, chipped nails and bleached hair lonely as ever. It is evident Helen has hit rock bottom and I am guessing we are going to see a new Helen very shortly. My guess is she sells the store, reinvents herself, maybe lands a killer job and starts dating.
PART 2: NOAH
COURT & CAFE
Noah’s day in court, although just as bad as Helen’s, is focused on a court order banning Alison from seeing Noah’s kids until things get resolved. Noah meets Alison at a cafe after court. Alison is a giddy about the apartments she has been looking at all morning (in Crown Heights) but Noah explains that they will not be able to live together until the divorce is finalized if he wants to see his children. Alison is very unhappy and suggests Noah possibly see his kids less. I was curious during this conversation if we saw this from Alison’s POV if she actually would be more understanding and not so needy as Noah makes her out to be. Their conversation is interrupted by a phone call about Helen’s accident.
Noah rushes to the summer camp to pick up his kids. Stacy’s head is much worse than the “bump” we saw in Helen’s POV. Helen is also blitzed. I mean she was definitely fucked up in her memory but she is wasted in Noah’s. She asks, Noah, “Why do you get to fuck up and I don’t?” No answer.
Now that Noah is on fatherly duty, he takes the kids home to their brownstone. He walks in to find roses (not stargazers. who would remember stargazers?), a bra (not a sock) on the step, empty wine glasses. It looks as though Helen was definitely shacking up with someone earlier (cough, Max). Hmm I wonder if Helen & Max really had sex first and then broke up?? Also a little note about Mrs. Doubtfire – do kids still watch this? My kids have seen it but I can’t imagine that this is the movie from 1980 that they have seen 80 times. Star Wars, yes. Goonies, yes. Doubtfire, doubt it.
Noah decides to take the kids to visit his sister’s family. What a nice fatherly idea (way better than schlepping them to Cold Springs).
Well hello Nina (aka Jennifer Esposito from Mistresses!) and HELLO Hector, I mean Noah’s Dad (remember Hector from Breaking Bad???). He’s still just as miserable.
We finally get a peek into Noah’s middle class family which is far different from the Butler’s. Could Noah’s dad and Bruce be any different? Martin and Noah’s dad bond over baseball which Noah clearly has no clue about (Marlins, Dolphins…..Florida, same thing). Noah and Nina, Noah’s sister, have a fight over the fact that Noah wants full custody. Nina doesn’t understand that Noah actually loves Alison, it’s not a fling. It’s not like having a crush on Brad Pitt. This is REAL. Nina can’t seem to wrap her head around it and Noah doesn’t feel the need to have to explain it. He doesn’t let Martin finish the two innings left in the game and Trevor is miserable that Noah basically tackles him to get off the trampoline to make him leave.
HOTEL MOTEL HOLIDAY INN
Martin’s stomach is acting up so Noah pulls into the Comfort Castle Motel. They get a room and Noah hooks the kids up with ginger ale and chips while Martin is on the floor in dire pain. I am unclear why Noah’s first step wasn’t to take Martin to the emergency room. He certainly looked like he needed to go to the hospital. Even Alison who calls in the middle of this situation suggests Noah take him there but Martin DOES NOT WANT TO GO. Apparently he didn’t have to since all three kids are sleeping shortly thereafter.
Wouldn’t you know it? Alison just so happens to show up in Jersey City at the Comfort Castle Motel with a case of beer. If it isn’t love after all?
So much for moving the trial out of Montauk. It was rejected along with Gottlief rejecting a plea deal. Apparently there are 1.5 million potential jurors in Suffolk County, it is possible 12 of them didn’t read Noah’s book. I have to believe that is true. 4 Months until the trial….wow, I can’t wait to see what unfolds. Four months is a lot of time!
I have question you may be able to answer: How can a divorce attorney also be a criminal attorney? Is that possible?
Until next week!! Looks like we are going to get Alison & Cole’s perspectives…WOOHOO
Here are the lyric’s to Lucinda’s Song…. I can’t stop singing it…
And you can’t come inside my house, and you can’t lie down on my couch
I changed the lock on my front doorI changed the number on my phone so you can’t call me up at home
And you can’t say those things to me that make me fall down on my knees
I changed the number on my phoneI changed the kind of car I drive so you can’t see me when I go by
And you can’t chase me up the street, and you can’t knock me off of my feet
I changed the kind of car I driveI changed the kind of clothes I wear so you can’t see me anywhere
And you can’t spot me in a crowd, and you can’t call my name out loud
I changed the kind of clothes I wearI changed the tracks underneath the train so you can’t find me again
And you can’t trace my path, and you can’t hear my laugh
I changed the tracks underneath the train[guitar solo]
I changed the name of this town so you can’t follow me down
And you can’t touch me like before, and you can’t make me want you more
I changed the name of this town
I changed the lock on my front door, I changed the number on my phone
I changed the kind of car I drive, I changed the kind of clothes I wear
I changed the tracks underneath the train, I changed the name of this town
I changed the name of this town
I changed the name of this town
p.s. This episode was directed by John Dahl who is written episodes for House of Cards, Shameless, The Americans, Dexter, etc…..