Skinny Bitches and Bachelorettes

Remember the Sex and City episode when Carrie goes to the country and all she has is her Manolo’s?  Take that times 27 and you have a Bachelorette party in Bumblefuck ,Texas. Aka..Spicewood,Texas. This is where our lake house of 27 girls was located.

I’m way too old for the events that went on this weekend but I’m going to give you a play by play because I feel as though you need to hear it. Let me set the stage:
Girls in their mid twenties, few years out of college, working, in a relationship, dating, engaged or just married for literally a day. Her friends flew in from San Fran, Chicago, Colorado and New York for this event.
Got it? Ok…

Festivities start Thursday evening. I get in Friday night….everyone is already shitfaced when I show up. Now I have done my fair share of partying in college, after college etc. Maybe it’s me, maybe I’m a super old, but they took partying to a whole new level this weekend.

 

The Keg Stand when I arrive. I literally almost peed in my pants when they told me it was my turn. UM, NO THANKS!

Beer Pong & Flip Cup – its been a long time, took me a little bit to figure out which way to “flip the cup” but after awhile I got the hang of it! (I am such a loser, lol)

Notice the green cups – made special for JKBP2K13! We each had our own cup for the weekend..special, special!

The sleeping situation
27 girls, 8 beds and air mattress. Right that means 2-3 people to a bed. A single bed no less.
If we weren’t so far from Austin I would have taken my ass to a hotel but I sucked it up and slept with 2 other girls in a bed. The first night I woke up to a person in bed with me I did not see before I went to bed! I woke up like 5 times in the middle of the night thinking who the hell am I sleeping with?!?! Can you see the 3 girls in the bed below? Yup, that is how I slept.

Saturday
Nice to wake up to mexi brexi (as they call it) that would be quesadillas and frittatas. These girls eat?

I took my English muffin on the deck and sat with the girls while they drank beer out of their green cups at 8am. Never understood the wake up and drinking thing. If I started drinking at 8am, I’m sleeping by 2 and donezo.

Not these girls, keg stands at 8am. Yeah, this is where the whole new level comes in…..  THIS PICTURE IS AT 8:45AM!

After brexi- it’s time for the party barge…
No joke … The girls take every snack, every bottle of alcohol and …ready for this, they take the 200lb keg down a flight of 40 stairs, carry it down a mile driveway onto the bus ( see pic)

All I’m thinking …. Are we doing keg stands on the boat?!?! I’m so fucked.

After an hour bus ride to Lake Austin, we all bee line to some place to pee. … and we now have to unload the entire bus of all the alcohol, beer funnels, hoola hoops, dizzy bat, snacks , water tubes, and the 200lb keg we have to somehow get on the boat. It’s 65 degrees, cold front in Austin, of course…. I was so excited to be in warmer weather and its frigid. As soon as we are settled….the drinking continues…funnel beer and Franzia out of a bag.  (here is pic of the party barge with the slide)

Time check 11:45. Festivities go on until 3. Bus home. At this point I have eaten nuts, a protein bar ( thank gd i brought that) and goldfish for lunch. I would kill for an apple! The wonder why these girls are twigs!! (see the twigs!)

 

3 showers for 27 girls, another interesting fete but somehow we all seem to shower and get ready for the night. Bus coming back at 7:30 (we are an hour from Austin). Either everyone is taking Adderall or these girls are rockstars. Pre-party before dinner (although I don’t think the drinking has stopped since 8am)..

Mexican for dinner, yay food! I can EAT! I had never been so happy to see chicken, rice and lettuce in my life.
A drink menu was planned

Lets talk about the first drink
“Jayme’s diva cup”
Do you know what a diva cup is?!?! I sure as hell didn’t …ready for this. Don’t vomit!
A diva cup is a device you shove up your vag when you have your period. It’s for people who are very “green”, trying to save the planet. No  wasting tampons.
I could write a whole blog on the diva cup itself because I’m sure you have a million questions. I DID! Like when do you clean it? How do you clean it? How long does it stay up there before you have to wash it?! How do you wash it?! How do you clean it in a public restroom? Wtf! Have you ever? It’s like the moms who use reusable diapers. I’m telling you this is a whole separate blog entry but 2 things you should know. Jayme does not use one and someone at that table of 27 girls did…which is how I got all my questions answered.

More on that topic at another time.
3 hour drinking dinner fiesta…time to move on to Pete’s Dueling Piano Bar. 15 minute walk thru Austin…not so sure when Austin turned hoodlum but midnight on 6th street of Austin was a craze scene. One of the girls in the pack is full black out. Like she is walking but blacked out..nobody is taking this girl home. She is just going to have to tough it out. So we get her into Pete’s, get Jayme on stage for her big celebration. Now if you happen to visit Austin, you must go to this place. It’s like Ben Folds times 2 who are ROCKING on the piano. A quick peek here:

Bars close at 2, get back to house at 3am. At this point you would think everyone would just pass the fuck out. Nope…I kid you not! 3am, keg stands again, drinking games, beer pong….
I have to get up in 3 hours for a flight…I bail. Now like I said before is it me or did we used to party from 8am until 4am??? Maybe we did but I I must have aged 20 years, lol!  I give these girls so much credit, no idea how its possible or I’m just way too old for this.  I will tell you this, I love my brother and I love Jayme. I’m so happy I could be a part of her weekend. Her friends are awesome but but that will be the last Bachelorette Party I will ever attend unless its in a spa.

As I am landing, dreaming of my shower and my bed, I am reminded that I will be walking into a house full of noise and kids. The skinny bitches will be walking into their apartments filled with nothing but quiet and white pillows.  Here lies the answer why they can do it and I cannot.